Run Away

Ever feel like just packing things up and running away? Finding undiscovered paths, letting your soul find rest in a different place, learning to breathe again.

I feel like racing, running as fast as my feet will take me.

Then I get frustrated by the fact that some things can not be run from. They follow you wherever you go.

(Image Credits)

The eighth intelligence

There are days when I wish I lived in walking distance of anything other than suburbia. It is so much easier to be when there aren't so many people and houses around. And have you ever noticed it is so much lonelier to be alone in the suburbs than it is to be alone in nature?

One of my favourite education theories is Howard Gardner's Multiple intelligences. The idea is that everyone has different ways of learning, and we all learn best if the information is passed on in the 'intelligence' we favour. Also that people are 'intelligent' in their own way - that a person who can build great relationships is just as smart as the person who can spell really well.

When I was studying there were 7 intelligences with an 8th being debated (turns out there is now a ninth - and I haven't even been out of uni 6 months!). The eighth is 'natrualistic intelligence'. I use to think it was a weird idea, but now I get it. Like how it's easier to think when you're outside staring at the clouds. How it almost makes me cry when there are no trees in a backyard. How if I don't go outside everyday I go stir crazy.

How when things are going bad I think I will self-combust if I don't stop staring at houses and be able to look for miles and miles and see nothing but what God created with his hands.

Write

I think it's interesting that the week before last I sat down and wrote, and then scheduled all the posts for last week.

Because last week was a write off. A week that reminded me of a time that I thought I was stronger than.

But one highlight was that i finally received my copy of the Kid's Edition of MixTape. The reason it was a highlight? I have my first published article in it! Okay, so it's a very small article (about creativity and children). But it's an article none the less, somewhere other than this blog :).

Here's to creativity, writing and a better week :)

Wishes

I wish that we could all get along.
I wish that there weren’t so many choices.
I wish I had never found out that people I admire believe in a philosophy

that fills me with horror.

I wish that caring didn't mean taking everything to heart.

I wish different opinions didn't cause divisions.

I wish I didn’t toss and turn at night, feeling sick over things that have

nothing to do with me.
I wish I didn’t feel so much.

Photo by Molly Orangette
On a happier note, don't you just love polaroids? They make even the most simple picture magical.

. . . comes before the fall

One of the things I struggle with the most is pride and self-righteousness. I am very good at believing I know best.

I'm also someone who (I think) looks at situations from lots of peoples points of view and is able to think about how each person would be affected.

And I also get emotional easily.

So when a decision is made which I believe is not right, when a decision leaves out the interests of many people, I get upset.

But how much of my getting upset is me wanting the best for everyone, and how much is me being full of pride and believing I know the best, and feeling hurt because my opinion wasn't considered?

(photo from sxc)

My Family

On Saturday Joshua and I went to an engagement party for another missionary kid we grew up with in Talua and a girl I use to go to uni with. That morning I had gotten a text to let me know a guy I went to youth group with had proposed to his girlfriend. My closest friend from school just celebrated her first wedding anniversary. My best friend is in a serious relationship. I run out of fingers when I count all the people I know who will be having babies in the next few months.

This all added up to me waking up on Sunday with an overwhelming feeling of loneliness and sadness.

I've learnt to pick the signs; I knew that I needed to get out of the house. I needed to be with people, but I couldn't be somewhere where I needed to make a huge effort. What a blessing it was Sunday.

I was able to drag myself out of bed, get dressed and go to church.

I sat in the pew and felt my mood start to lift already. I love the buzz of conversations around me. People who know me smile. We all join in with gusto to sing. After the service I sat for a long time and just cuddled my favourite little boy.

Not everything is better, I'm still struggling. I may never have a family of my own - but I so thankful that I have a family here, in my church.

photo from sxc

Sometimes I wonder what God has in mind

I am, by nature, a reserved person. An absolute introvert. You might as well ask me to cut off my arm as enter a room full of people I don’t know.

Being in a place where I don’t know the routine, where I can’t easily judge what people are really thinking, and where I am expected to open my mouth, make conversation and build relationships is pure torture to me.

This is where I always feel that God messed up somehow. I really, really want to live for him. I want to make a difference in the world for him. I want to build up relationships with people which will then lead them to God.

Yet I can barely open up my mouth to speak honestly to a good friend – how am I meant to speak honestly about the biggest truth of all to people I don’t know that well? How can I build up relationships when there are days I can barely walk out the door?

There are some people who love meeting new people, they can bounce up to anyone and make them feel like they’ve been friends for years.

I have all these wonderful dreams of being a missionary, but in reality I wonder if it will happen. I feel I am too reserved to be of any use.

I don’t know what God has in store for my future, but he’s definitely got his work cut out for him.

It is well

When peace, like a river,

attends with my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot,

Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet,

though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And has shed His own blood for my soul.

And Lord, haste the day

when my faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound,

and the Lord shall descend,

Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.
(by Ho­ra­tio G. Spaf­ford)

The words of this song have been running around and around my head all day. It's been a hard couple of days. I have just finished my mid year exams - and while I don't always seem stressed, I find it really hard to sleep. And I'm one of those people who if I don't get enough sleep I don't function well at all.

I failed an assignment very badly, more than I was expecting. All I'm seeing is my whole uni degree spiralling out of control. I really don't know if I can face more than 1 1/2 years of uni, I'm struggling to keep myself going for the end of this one and next year as well.

I'm a bit sick of being alone, and feeling far from many of the people I love.

In the midst of all of this there is one thing I cling to; God is here walking beside me. He knows what it is like to cry, to feel lonely. And while He may not have ever failed an assignment on the Implications of the history of government policy on Child care legislation in Australia, He knows what it is to be disappointed.

Right now I am find it really hard to look outside myself, to realise that there are other people in the world besides myself. All I can seem to do is cry to God "Please, help!"

And yet, there is something I have noticed. When things are going relatively well, when I am feeling okay about things it is so easy to forget about God. But the days when I am at my lowest that is when I realise how much I need God to get through the day. These are the days I spend praying. These are the days I turn again and again to Gods word and soak myself in it. These are the days I am so sure of my salvation. These are the days I remind myself that no matter what goes on in this world, there is one thing I can be sure of; It is well with my soul.

(photo by aussiegall)

Two and Twenty

I have taken my nose pin out. For people who don’t really know me they are always surprised when they find out I have one. I got it a few years ago when I was in England.
I think it partly was rebellion. It was me trying to say to people “See, you don’t really know me. There’s more to me than you think.” Which is really just a round about way of being a snob.
I told myself it was because of my fascination with India, cos I couldn’t dye my hair black without looking silly and sari’s were too expensive. It was a reminder to myself that I had India on my heart. And I was partly true.

I got it when I was 18. I turn 22 this week. I decided I needed to grow up a little.

22 is an awkward age. When you’re 20 or even 21, you can still act like a teenager. You can live without responsibilities. But when you’re 22 you really need to start facing life as an adult I think. It’s time to take responsibility for yourself, be a bit more mature in the way you treat other people and plan what you do with your time. Which would be fine except I’m still studying; I still rely on my parents for most things.

But it could just be that I sit here and look at my calendar and the date leers out at me. My 12 year old self had big plans for her 22 year old self. Beautiful, wonderful plans.
I wonder what my 32 year old self will think about me now?

The house Part 3

Today was a rather dismal day house-wise.

Joshua is still on holidays and Mum hurt her knee yesterday working on the house so it was just Dad and I.

By mid afternoon I was in a horrid mood. I'd spent the day scrubbing, yet the walls looked just as dirty as when I had started. My body ached all over. I was tired. It was raining and nothing dried. The rain made it hot and muggy. I was just a little bit upset that Josh was still on holidays while the rest of us were here working.

I tried to remember all the verses about being joyful always and giving thanks in all circumstances but as always, negative thoughts are so much easier to think. Why is that?

I want to be someone who is able to smile though the hard times, to be able to praise God no matter how I'm feeling. But what I think in theory never works out in practise.

(photo courtesy of stock.xchng)

Today is a sad day

The parents have gotten their way. We can not do anything explicitly Christian except for pray before meals and read one Bible story in the afternoon.

Something doesn't sit right with me about that.

There are some new Christmas Casuals at work

It's hard to believe that I've been working there for a year now.

Watching the new girls struggle with the credit cards and teaching them how to explain the best way to burn a candle so it doesn't drip makes me realise how far I have come.

There are still days when I feel I have not beat any of my demons, but I can look back over the year and see how much I have overcome. I think working has helped me a bit to do that.

I am able to walk up to strangers and ask if they need any help.
I can make small talk with random people.
I can wake up and get dressed and be somewhere on time.
I can smile when I don't feel like smiling.
I can be friends with girls that are so different to everyone I know.
I can ask for help when I stuff up. (Still happens more regularly than it should)

All of these are small, and to some people come naturally. But for me they are a sign that I am growing, that God is working in me and that with His help I am beating my demons.

Nightmares

Then I went into my exam. Have you ever had that dream where you go into an exam and realise you haven't studied for it at all? I haven't. I was always sure that I, the perfectionist, the list maker, the chart maker, the verging-on-OCD quadruple checker of all details would never EVER go into an exam I hadn't studied for.

Until today.

The last few days I have been studying diligently for Child Development. I had planned out answers, and written up quotes and worked out acronyms so I could remember all the confusing child psychologists names. I never really feel prepared for exams, but today I was pretty sure I would do okay, enough to pass at least. I found the room my exam was in, filed in with the 100 other students and sat down. I was glancing around trying to calm my nerves when I looked up at the board.

There in big black letters was Subject: Health in Early Childhood.

I'm sure my heart stopped beating for a whole 30 seconds.

"No, it's a mistake, they wrote the wrong thing on the board." Look down at the exam paper. Nope same thing there Health in Early Childhood
I was looking around at other people thinking "Doesn't anyone else realise that we have the wrong exam!!!" But apparently no. Everyone else was a calm as could be while I was on the verge of being sick.

After having a quiet little panic attack during reading time I realised there was nothing I could do about it, I'd just have to do the exam. So after a desperate cry for "Help!" to Him I settled down and started the exam for a subject that I hadn't looked at the books for over 3 weeks (I missed the last week of lectures to write an essay. I know it's bad but I promise to never do it again).

I'm actually amazed at how calm I was about it all. I can only believe that God got me through it. Of course now, at home while I write this I feel all sick and shaky, but a good night sleep should help.

And the moral of the story? From now on I will be even more OCD and quintuple check every single detail on my timetable.