I'll tell you about my past

I open up the photo album and flip through the pages.There is a boy next to me and he smiles at the photos I place in his lap.
Memories come floating back, I can smell the coconut oil and pandanas leaves, feel the bright sunlight and scratchy nylon material.
I delight in the mini me in the images, who seems so remote but is a hidden part of me I'll never forget.
These photo albums I'm excited to share - I laugh at the girl I was and remember the culture I grew up in.

He insists on other albums too, the ones I don't want to show, the awkward teenage years with pimples and frizzy hair and hating myself. I'm surprised at how happy I look in the images. How normal I look. The girl there doesn't look like the person I remember. The person I felt everyone was telling me I was.
These were pictures I had carefully selected, photos full of people I barely remember, trying to paint a picture in scrapbooks of the life I wanted.

I wish I could go back in time and talk with the girl who made these scrapbooks. I want to tell her about me now, who is happy, really. Tell her she'll make it through the next 10 years and get out the other side. That things aren't as horrible as her mind tells her they are. I want her to see me now, and I hope she's not disappointed.

These photos, are more than just images to you. By showing them I'm letting down my guard. I'm exposing myself and letting you in. This is my past and I need to accept it before a future can begin.

Six Months

Six months ago found me walking down a street to a restaurant I had never been to, to meet a man I had never seen face to face before. A last tug at my clothes, a few deep breathes, convincing myself not to throw up or cry I kept going forward. Someone was sitting on the wall outside the restaurant and he stood up as I approached.
"Hi, Erin." He said
"Brett," I replied and we smiled nervously at each other.

A table was reserved for us, and we sat down. Made small talk until the waiter came with menus and drinks. At that point I knew the possibility, but I had no idea how much the next 3 hours would impact the rest of my life.

Let's go back further, a few months before that.

 .   .   .   .   .

I was getting on, you see; 27 and still single in Christian circles is a bit of a rarity. My real fear was not that I wasn't dating currently, but that I had never dated. Ever. There had never been any boy who had decided I was worth getting to know better. I wondered, if no one had thought I was worth getting to know up to this stage, what would change that? I was 27 and had never been on a date, never held hands, never been kissed. As most possibilities found their match, and my friends married I wondered if Gods plan was for me to remain single.

I hated that idea, but I also wanted to follow God's will for my life. I hated the idea of being single and without a family of my own for the rest of my life. But I hated the idea of being with someone who didn't love God and his people as much as I did even more. Better to be lonely in this life, than live in disobedience to God I believed.

I prayed desperately for God to answer my prayers. To grant me my hearts desires. Or if not, then I asked that He take away this longing. Stop my heart from breaking every time I hung out with friends and being the only single there. Stop my arms from longing for a child of my own every time I held my friends babies. Stop this utter desire for love and companionship that I didn't know what to do with.

Yet God did not take away that desire. I still ached most days, wishing I could say that God was enough. Knowing He was enough and would always be enough, yet not able to quench this longing.

For about a year, or possibly longer I had had a few people suggest that I might like to try internet dating. I had dismissed it, thinking it was a selfish step, going behind God's back. But more and more people would mention it to me, some in passing, some in genuine conversations. Then the leader at a course I was doing at church told me that she had started dating someone recently that she had met online, and gave me suggestions on how to do it safely and within God's will. That God can use all situations when we surrender them to him. That something may come of it, or maybe nothing will, but at least I had tried.

I prayed. And thought. Decided to do it and then backed down. Talked about it with close friends. Finally I decided to go ahead and do it. Found a Christian online site, filled out the form and payed the money.

For about two months nothing happened. Then a few emails from guys. One I was not interested in. One I corresponded with for a while before deciding our beliefs were very different. One I agreed to meet up with, but he pulled out at the last minute.

Then I got a message from someone. His name was Brett, I checked out his profile and was impressed by his love of Christ, his genuine commitment to God and God's people, his humility and friendliness. I sent a message back, and we began to email.

I was in Kiama with my parents during the school holidays when we started emailing. At first I was hesitant, but soon I was waiting impatiently for the next email. We had very similar beliefs, enjoyed similar interests and wrote long emails back and forth about everything under the sun.
2 weeks after emailing he suggested meeting up and I was ready. I wanted to see if this connection was real, better to find out sooner rather than later. A phone call that went longer than I thought with giggles and easy conversations and working out connections (Sydney Christian circles!). I did a bit of goggling that night, to make sure he was who he said he was (what I found on line backed up what he said).

Which brings us back to lunch at the restaurant. We ended up chatting for 3 hours - which if you know me is a miracle in itself. I don't normally talk easily with guys, especially ones I only just met. As my friend said when I phoned her that evening all confused "Hun, if you can talk to a guy you just met for 3 hours without running out of things to say, there's something there."

We agreed to meet up 2 days later. A week after our first meeting we had another date and ended up spending 7 hours doing the Bondi to Coogee walk and then sitting on the beach talking. I closed my online dating account that night. We made it official the week after.

And six months after that first face to face meeting we are still going strong.

I'm in love. And Brett loves me back. And I am so full of thankfulness and joy. We look back and say God was our matchmaker. We live on opposite sides of the city, and both so involved in our local churches and in different professions there is not much chance we would have met any other way. But God stepped in and used online dating to bring us together. All in his perfect timing He brought the man who was most perfect for me into my life.

Happy dance :)

This is the LORD’s doing; it is marvelous in our eyes. Psalm 118:23

 

 

New Year's Eve

There were so many people at the house for New Year's Eve, everyone is related to someone in some way, and I gave up trying to work out all the connections. We had a huge yummy feast and played some group games. 

I started to miss everyone at home so retreated to my room for a bit, but when I came out again a group were getting ready to sing some praise songs in the music room. We all sat around in a circle while a bunch of the guys played music (the babies joined in), and we sung from old hymn books. We did that up until midnight, which was a really great way to spend the last few minutes of 2013. 

Suddenly at 2 minutes to midnight Anita called out "Everyone get your shoes on, let's go out the front!" Everyone started grabbing noisemakers, trumpets, drums. I didn't have time to get my coat on, just my shoes so I couldn't get great pictures as I was shivering so much! But at midnight all of a sudden everyone started making as much noise as possible and ran down the street making noise. Apparently this is what you do at midnight in Canada on New Year's Eve :). 

Happy New Year everyone! 2013 was especially crazy, so many changes for me! A new church, a new job, a new flatmate, a trip overseas, new discoveries about myself, dreams becoming reality. God taught me time and time again how in control He is, and that His ways are perfect. That He has a plan and to trust Him in every step. Even when things didn't make sense I clung to His word, and kept striving to do His will. 

For the first time in many, many years I look forward to the coming year with real joy and hope. Not just a vague possible hope, but a real genuine hope. I know partly it is because of a certain someone waiting for me when I come home in a few weeks :) . But it is also because I trust a God who is so much bigger than I can ever imagine. Who is always there when I struggle and when life is beautiful, who I know loves me no matter what, whose plans are perfect even if they don't make sense to me, who has planned everything in my life to make me more like Him and to use me to draw others to Him. 

2014, I am so ready! 

My Weekend

•  Set myself up at my spot at my park. No one ever seems to be there, I like it that way. There is shade and I can see water and I'm surrounded by trees. I forgot my phone in my car which was good because I wasn't tempted to facebook when I should be writing my paper.
• My paper is developing but not as well as it should be. I'm wondering if the topic of Missonary Kids and re-entry is too personal to be able to write objectively - but it's too late to change now so I go ahead anyway.
• I made choc-chip cookies and substituted the butter for cream cheese. Soo yum. Made it a bit more fudgey :)
• Took those cookies to an outdoor Sydney Symphony concert with friends. Enjoyed it even though I'm not normally into classical music. There is something magical about music outside, under a night sky.

• I experimented some more with my new camera. My friends husband showed me how to take cool photos at night by changing the shutter speed.
• Once again I am the only single in a sea of couples. This feeling is getting old. I'm getting over it.
• I lost track of the time while reading the Bible this morning and was almost late for church. I wonder if that is a valid excuse for being late? :)
•  Last weekend I was recommended a book about prayer, which I bought and read through twice during the week. At different stages of reading it I felt it was amazingly insightful and other times I wondered if it was unbiblical. It is full of scribbles I have made in the margins. I lent it to a lovely wise older woman so she can read it and then I can ask for her opinion.
• A card is passed to me from a friend. Open it in the car and smile at the sweet words.

• Get full at lunch with Yum Cha. I like YumCha but am never brave enough to go without a friend who can speak cantonese.
• Make a meal for a friend whose baby is now a week overdue. All week I keep expecting a text to say the baby has arrived, but she was still at church today, still very pregnant.

What was your weekend like?

MK

One of the subjects I am taking this semester is Spiritual Formation for Cross Cultural Mission, it looks at different things to prepare you for serving in another culture. I initially took it because it looked interesting and I'm interested in hearing about other cultures. I did think it would be good to look at it from the perspective of being a Missionary Kid (MK).

I didn't expect to be so quickly dealing with thoughts and feelings I thought I had dealt with long ago about growing up as an MK. It gives me another perspective, to look at it from a spiritual point of view, how God molds us as we move between cultures to leave behind our cultural prejudices and become more like him.

I have chosen to do one of my assignments on MK's and picked up an article called "Emotional and Behavioural Patterns of Adult MK's" by David Wickstorm - spent the whole time thinking "Whoa, that's me!". I am enjoying it, it's nice to have an environment where I can talk freely about my experiences and be constantly challenged to look to God, not look inward while thinking about these things.

Pylon

My Canadian friends are now my new flatmates :). It's fun seeing Australia and Australian culture through their eyes.

Being out of towners they tend to do those touristy activites that you keep meaning to do, but figure cos you live here you can do them whenever but never get around to doing. Today I tagged along with them to climb the Pylon of the Harbour Bridge.

It was pretty cool, way less steps than I was anticipating, we got amazing panoramic views of the city as well as a bit of history of the bridge.

Well worth it, so much more affordable than the Bridge climb ($11 rather than $200+; yes please!) and no where near as daunting if height aren't your thing.

Decisions

I've been trying to write a post about knowing God's will and direction in your life. But at the moment it's all just a disjointed mess of thoughts and words.

Instead I'll share my exciting news - I'm going back to study! Something I had thought I would do at some point but not this soon after finishing uni :). And about a month ago I had absolutely no plans to study, hadn't even crossed my mind; but God closed the door on the direction I was sure he was leading me and this opportunity came up suddenly and I thought, "Why not?"

I've organised to work part time and study part time; the plan is that in two years I will have a Graduate Diploma of Divinity. It's all been very sudden, each decision made within days - and now I start in one week!

New Year

I took myself away, for a retreat of sorts. Just me, my Bible, note book and laptop for a few hours of prayer, reflection and planning.
I found a little beach on a map and set the GPS. It was peaceful, I laid out a blanket under a tree, away from other people.

I read God's word and prayed.

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

Philippians 1:10-11

I reflected on the year that's been. From this position, looking back I can say it's been a good year; I've stuck to several resolutions, watched special people get married, merged churches, made good friends, got new flatmates. I made mistakes and learnt from them. I've had my downs but been able to recover from them. I've laughed and cried and lived.

I planned for the year ahead. There's that quote about a wasted life is an unplanned one, but I can't really remember it. It's too easy to be swept along with life and not plan out what we're doing. Then suddenly you realise you are not where you wanted and haven't done what you thought you would. Life happens whether you do it intentionally or not. I'd rather plan for an intentional life. I chose a Bible reading plan, rejigged my weekly schedule, worked out when I would plan times for everything I want to do and everything I have to do.

I wrote down goals, and prayed prayers about the dreams I'm too scared to put to paper just yet.

What a lovely view :)

It was a lovely time, and I came home refreshed and rejuvenated (and unfortunately, a little sun burnt). I didn't get all the planning done I wanted too as the sun was too bright to use the computer effectively so I wasn't able to work on some blog posts and menu plans, but that's ok. I got the idea from a guest post at Keeper of the Home and it's something I hope to continue as a tradition. It's a great way to get ready for the year ahead and commit it to God.

Hope you all had a lovely New Years!

Catch Up

Things are getting busy here. It's only 5 weeks until Christmas, and as of yesterday it's exactly 3 weeks until Joshua and Megan tie the knot!
Joshua has moved out and I'm getting ready for friends of mine to move in.
It's end of year report time. We are starting to plan next year.

So yeah, crazy busy.

Here is a few photos of gingerbread cookies I made for a church fete we had a few weeks ago. I am planning to make a big batch for the reception, they are so yummy.

It was a week ago that I sat in the Sydney entertainment centre with 10,000 other evangelical Christians to hear John Lennox and John Piper speak at One

The theme was 'one savior, one life, don't waste it.'


I went because I wanted to hear John Piper speak, but need up quite liking what John Lennox said as well.

I was challenged to think about what I am doing with my life; am I living it for God or just passing time?
It gave me alot to think about. It has prompted me to begin actually taking steps towards plans I've had in the back of my mind for a while.

Grand Designs

Mum and Dad were the ones that introduced me to Grand Designs. It's a UK show, that follows people as they build their dream home from beginning ideas to the finished building. It's quite interesting, watching the way people go about building a home.

My favourite ones, however, are the eco builds. Ones where the people build their houses with an emphasis on being sustainable, using ecologically responsible materials and methods. These houses also tend to be the ones where the owners get their hands dirty and do most of the work themselves.

Like the Woodlands Cottage - all handmade (even the wooden shingles!) by Ben Law, a woodsman.

Another one is an eco house made with old tires and recycled materials.

These ones are very inspiring. A large modern house is nice to look at, but nothing that I could really relate to. The idea of finding a small plot of land in the country and working together as a family to create a sustainable home really excites me.

Maybe one day :)

Live. Love. Be.

If you had read my blog from the beginning you'd know I tend to go in phases. I get caught up in a topic, or way of thinking and everything relates to that until I get bored ormove onto something else.

Going through the archives you could probably guess what blogs I was reading and was influenced by.
There was the creative sewing phase, the phase where I wrote alot about growing up as a missionary kid, the period when I was reading alot of quiverfull/patriarchal movement blogs, and as I moved into teaching I focused on early childhood. My feed reader changed as I moved between interests (obsessions?). Some blogs are still there even when I move onto new ideas, while others are deleted and I have to goggle phrases when I try to find something I remembered reading ages ago.

Looking back I realised alot of what I was trying to do with this blog was create community, to feel a part of something, to share with others. Each new 'phase' came from a need to be a part of  . . . something. I wanted to be part of something people noticed.
But lately, things are changing. I started working and my time to waste on the computer is a lot less than before. This year especially friendships are developing, and I'm feeling comfortable in my role. The change at church has developed into a beautiful community I love to be a part of; I head out to bible study 2 nights a week to learn and share and be part of a group. My health is at the best it has been in a long time (perhaps the best in my adult/teenage life).

Life, at the moment, is good.

I'm finally living my life outside of my room, beyond the computer screen.

Which means this blog has been neglected. Things I wanted to write about relate more to my life (when I just wrote for me, just to record things) didn't seem to fit with the direction I had been taking my blog.

So this is the post where I give notice. I might post often, I might not post at all. But that's ok, because I'm blogging without obligation. I'm writing because I love to write, because sometimes I think things and I want to record them somewhere. It's always possible that I will return again to a new phase as things change in my life.

Because I still am creative, I still think about my overseas upbringing, I still grapple with thoughts of faith, and I'm still excited by new ideas for helping children learn.

But for now, it's just me; living my life, sharing Love with those around me, being here now.

Photo credits; girl in field, lanterns,

five and twenty

Yesterday was my 25th birthday. Yay!

I tried to think of something profound to write, but this was a weekend for relaxing and catching up with friends and not sitting in front of a computer screen.

So instead - I made it! A quarter of a century young :)

We're going to the Zoo

I have been wanting to go to the zoo for ages, and finally got around to it today with my friend Felicity and her two boys. We had lots of adventures - including her oldest loosing his first tooth at the free flight bird show!

(How many zoo's around the world can claim this kind of view?)

The main reason I was dying to visit the zoo was the baby elephants - soo adorable! One baby elephant would be cute enough - but 3 was gorgeousness overload :)!

I was surprised how much we were able to cram into a few hours - especially considering the heat; all in all a great day!

Beginnings

Somehow New Years has crept up on me.

2010 turned out to be a good year; I graduated university, and began a job! I faced struggles and overcame them; I grew and learnt alot about myself in the process.

I helped welcome babies and watched relationships grow and blossom. I farewelled friends on their own adventures.

In some ways I know what 2011 will hold, in others it's an amazing blank canvas. I don't really make resolutions, but I make plans. One of them is to be better at updating my blog - but we'll have to see how that goes :).

The passage this morning at church was a great reminder to make time in Gods word as I consider the year ahead. As I make plans for the year ahead, I remember to commit it all to him; the artist that colours my life and knows the placement for all the paint that will fill my 'blank' canvas.

Blessed is the one

who does not walk in step with the wicked

or stand in the way that sinners take

or sit in the company of mockers,

but whose delight is in the law of the LORD,

and who meditates on his law day and night.

That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,

which yields its fruit in season

and whose leaf does not wither—

whatever they do prospers.

Psalm 1:1-4

 

 

 

(photo credits)

Graduate

I graduated on Friday. It was weird to be back at uni, I feel like I've been finished and working for ages. And also not.

I didn't think I would be that excited about it. It was so nice to take a step back and say 'Yes, I did it.' because at times I wasn't sure I could. Celebrating achievements should never be underated.

We lined up; wearing our cap and gown, reminded each other to salute with our left hand (Who knew we saluted?), hoped desperately we didn't fall as we walked across the stage. A hand shake with the vice-chancellor, a certificate handed over - and it's done. I now officially have obtained a Bachelor of Education.

Totally love that :)

Famous Last Words

A lot can change in a week - or even 3 days. I've had 6 interviews in the past week. And I just accepted a full time child care job.
And you know what? I'm excited.

Excited with a silly little grin on my face.

I'm so, so  thankful for the peace God has given me to excitedly accept a direction than less than a week ago I was completely against.

Expect to see a change in the age range of activities here - and I'll accept any great ideas you've done with babies/toddlers.

(photo source)

Break

I feel like I'm a bit of a holding pattern at the moment. I've had my last exam, and my first interview. But I'm not qualified to teach until July 12, which means no teaching work until then.

This has forced me to have a little bit of a break. I've been reading, watching movies, sewing (pic soon!), cooking and catching up with friends. All the things I promised myself I would do when I had time. So it's not a waste - I am using my time, enjoying my little holiday until I get a job (soon, I hope :)

I'm also taking it easy on the internet front (amazing how much less time I want to spend online when I don't have assignments to avoid!).

Endings

You know how you spend days, weeks, YEARS waiting for something. And then it happens and you almost forget the significance.
That happened to me yesterday. Yesterday was my last day of uni. Last day EVER. : ) (just an exam to go).

I was so focused on getting assignments finished, making appointments to see careers adviser's, finishing my portfolio (I love how it turned out), that it wasn’t until I was pulling into the car park that I remembered “hey, this is the last time I’ll do this.”
I tried to be all nostalgic in my break and wander through the library but let’s face it – I never really liked uni. I love early childhood and learning about teaching – but the going to classes, people everywhere, writing essays; not my thing.

I know I'm not an intellectual. I struggle with understanding academic writing and also writing it for myself. Give me a lesson plans and observations any day. Which  is a good thing, because that's my ultimate goal; being a teacher.

(photo credit)

A life less ordinary

So the market wasn't the great success I dreamed about :). After three tries I've decided I'll take a break from markets for now, I'll be concentrating on my online store. So while I won't be out and about with Purple Frangipani, you can still grab them online.

It was nice to see some of the lovely handmade things that other Sydney-siders are making (unfortunately even at a 'handmade' market not everything is handmade)

I picked up fabric I'd ordered from Retro Mummy - gorgeous Babushka fabric to be put away for a special project later on.

I fell in love with the little leather shoes from All About Heidi - completely adorable.

Check out these sock owl kits from Craft Schmaft (I would have been tempted to get one of them if, you know, I'd made any money).

I think one of the main reasons I'm a little disappointed about things not working out the way I wanted is because I don't want to live an ordinary life. I don't really know exactly what it is I want - I just want to try new things and follow a less conventional path. I don't want to spend my life choosing the 'safe' option - but it's disheartening when every 'non-safe' thing I try seems to fall apart.

Is that selfish to want? What exactly does that look like? Can I do it still living in Sydney? Where does my faith fit into all this?

While the market has prompted these thoughts, it's probably also has to do with having less than six (!) months left of my degree. For someone who likes to have plans it's a little scary to have a big blank on the horizon. Even though I've been hanging out for this day for years, it's a little weird having it coming up so quickly.