August 6, 2008

Sometimes I wonder what God has in mind

I am, by nature, a reserved person. An absolute introvert. You might as well ask me to cut off my arm as enter a room full of people I don’t know.

Being in a place where I don’t know the routine, where I can’t easily judge what people are really thinking, and where I am expected to open my mouth, make conversation and build relationships is pure torture to me.

This is where I always feel that God messed up somehow. I really, really want to live for him. I want to make a difference in the world for him. I want to build up relationships with people which will then lead them to God.

Yet I can barely open up my mouth to speak honestly to a good friend – how am I meant to speak honestly about the biggest truth of all to people I don’t know that well? How can I build up relationships when there are days I can barely walk out the door?

There are some people who love meeting new people, they can bounce up to anyone and make them feel like they’ve been friends for years.

I have all these wonderful dreams of being a missionary, but in reality I wonder if it will happen. I feel I am too reserved to be of any use.

I don’t know what God has in store for my future, but he’s definitely got his work cut out for him.


Jerusha said...

I've been reading you blog for a while now, but never have commented.

However, I completely understand how you feel. I also am an introvert (though maybe not so much of one as you are!). I also want to use my life for the Lord; yes, maybe even on the mission field. I'll share with you something I find comforting: Whatever it is the Lord's will for us to do, He will give us the ability we need to do it. And I have witnessed in the past few months that there have been occasions when I have come out of my shell.

In Christ,

Katie said...

You will be more sincere, because it is a struggle for you. Those people who can chat to anyone often seem shallow and insincere.

Sharon said...

I can totally relate. I'm also an introvert. But I've adopted this as my life verse:

"The Lord will perfect that which concerns me." - Psalm 138:8

Erin said...

Thanks everyone for you're encouragement!

Jerusha - thanks for the reminder; and yes, I have done things lately which I can only put down to God working amazingly in me.

Katie - :), I like that way of looking at it.

Sharon - What a wonderful verse, I think I'll copy it down to memories.

Anonymous said...

I too can relate to your fears. I am also an introvert, but by God's grace, and as time goes on, I am becoming more "bold* (I guess that would be the right word) in talking to others. God is continuing to perfect me. :)