Being in a place where I don’t know the routine, where I can’t easily judge what people are really thinking, and where I am expected to open my mouth, make conversation and build relationships is pure torture to me.
This is where I always feel that God messed up somehow. I really, really want to live for him. I want to make a difference in the world for him. I want to build up relationships with people which will then lead them to God.
Yet I can barely open up my mouth to speak honestly to a good friend – how am I meant to speak honestly about the biggest truth of all to people I don’t know that well? How can I build up relationships when there are days I can barely walk out the door?
There are some people who love meeting new people, they can bounce up to anyone and make them feel like they’ve been friends for years.
I have all these wonderful dreams of being a missionary, but in reality I wonder if it will happen. I feel I am too reserved to be of any use.
I don’t know what God has in store for my future, but he’s definitely got his work cut out for him.