I don't think I'm very good at being a friend. I can do the superficial easily, getting to know people, helping them out, having fun together. But the deep friendship, the being vulnerable in front of someone, the living life together is hard.
I'm good at giving, but very bad at accepting help. And I'm slowly learning that being willing to accept help is as important in building a friendship that is real, as giving help is. I think I realised that the problem is that this means you are not the only one with power in the relationship.
About two years ago I was burnt badly, by someone I thought was a good friend. Someone I trusted and made myself vulnerable in front of, only to have that person make me feel incredibly worthless. I didn't want a friend to have that sort of power to hurt me again. So I stopped going deep in friendships because I was scared.
Scared of allowing someone to hurt me.Scared of being let down. Scared of someone thinking I am a burden. Scared of someone saying I'm not worth their time. Scared of having my feelings of worthlessness confirmed.
A week or so ago I asked a friend for help. They will never know how hard it was for me to ask them. How absolutely terrified I was picking up the phone. But they were so gracious and willing.
It made me realise that I had been putting a barrier in front of being able to accept one of the beautiful things of life. Friendship is a risk, but the rewards are amazing.